Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Leéte: Las ratas del cementerio (Henry Kuttner, 1936)


El viejo Masson, guardián de uno de los más antiguos y descuidados cementerios de Salem, sostenía una verdadera contienda con las ratas. Hacía varias generaciones, se había asentado en el cementerio una verdadera colonia de ratas enormes procedentes de los muelles. Cuando Masson asumió su cargo, tras la inexplicable desaparición del guardián anterior, decidió eliminarlas. Al principio colocaba cebos y comida envenenada junto a sus madrigueras; más tarde, intentó exterminarlas a tiros. Pero todo fue inútil.

Seguía habiendo ratas. Sus hordas voraces se multiplicaban e infestaban el cementerio. Eran grandes, aún tratándose de la especie de «decumagus», cuyos ejemplares miden a veces más de treinta y cinco centímetros de largo sin contar la cola pelada y gris. Masson las había visto hasta del tamaño de un gato; y cuando los sepultureros descubrían alguna madriguera, comprobaban con asombro que por aquellas malolientes galerías cabía sobradamente el cuerpo de una persona. Al parecer, los barcos que antaño atracaban en los ruinosos muelles de Salem debieron de transportar cargamentos muy extraños.

Masson se asombraba a veces de las extrañas proporciones de estas madrigueras. Recordaba ciertos relatos inquietantes que le habían contado antes de llegar a la vieja y embrujada ciudad de Salem. Eran relatos que hablaban de una vida larvaria que persistía en la muerte, ocultas en las olvidadas madrigueras de la tierra. Ya habían pasado los viejos tiempos en que Cotton Maher exterminara los cultos perversos y los ritos orgiásticos celebrados en honor de Hécate y de las siniestra Magna Mater. Pero todavía se alzaban las tenebrosas casas de torcidas buhardillas, de fachadas inclinadas y leprosas, en cuyos sótanos, según se decía, aún se ocultaban secretos blasfemos y se celebraban ritos que desafiaban tanto a la ley como a la cordura. Moviendo significativamente sus cabezas canosas, los viejos aseguraban que, en los antiguos cementerios de Salem, había bajo tierra cosas peores que gusanos y ratas.

En cuanto a estos roedores, ciertamente, Masson les tenía aversión y respeto. Sabía el peligro que acechaba en sus dientes afilados y brillantes. Pero no comprendía el horror que los viejos sentían por las casas vacías, infestadas de ratas. Había oído rumores sobre ciertas criaturas horribles que moraban en las profundidades de la tierra y tenían poder sobre las ratas, a las que agrupaban en ejércitos disciplinados. Según decían los ancianos, las ratas servían de mensajeras entre este mundo y las cavernas que se abrían en las entrañas de la tierra, muy por debajo de Salem. Y aún se decía que algunos cuerpos habían sido robados de las sepulturas con el fin de celebrar festines subterráneos y nocturnos. El mito de flautista de Hamelin era una leyenda que ocultaba, en forma de alegoría, un horror blasfemo; y según ellos, los negros abismos habían parido abortos infernales que jamás salieron a la luz del día.

Masson no hacía ningún caso de semejantes relatos. No fraternizaba con sus vecinos y, de hecho, hacía lo posible por mantener en secreto la existencia de las ratas. De conocerse el problema quizá iniciasen una investigación, en cuyo caso tendrían que abrir muchas sepulturas. Y en efecto, hallarían ataúdes perforados y vacíos que atribuirían a las actividades de las ratas. Pero descubrirían también algunos cuerpos con mutilaciones muy comprometedoras para Masson.

Los dientes postizos suelen hacerse de oro puro, y no se los extraen a uno cuando muere. Las ropas, naturalmente, son harina de otro costal, porque la compañía de pompas fúnebres suele proporcionar un traje de paño sencillo, perfectamente reconocible después. Pero el oro no lo es. Además, Masson negociaba también con algunos comerciantes de medicina y médicos pocos escrupulosos que necesitaban cadáveres sin importarles demasiado su procedencia.

Hasta entonces, Masson se las había arreglado muy bien para que no se iniciase una investigación. Había negado ferozmente la existencia de las ratas, aún cuando algunas veces éstas le hubiesen arrebatado el botín. A Masson no le preocupaba lo que pudiera suceder con los cuerpos, después de haberlos expoliado, pero las ratas solían arrastrar el cadáver entero por un boquete que ellas mismas roían en el ataúd. El tamaño de esos agujeros tenía a Masson asombrado. Por otra parte, se daba la circunstancia de que las ratas horadaban siempre los ataúdes por uno de los extremos, y no por lados. Parecía como si las ratas trabajasen bajo la dirección de algún guía dotado de inteligencia.

Ahora se encontraba ante una sepultura abierta. Acababa de quitar la última paletada de tierra húmeda y de arrojarla al montón que había formado a un lado. Desde hacía varias semanas, no paraba de caer una llovizna fría y constante. El cementerio era un lodazal de barro pegajoso, del que surgían las mojadas lápidas en formaciones irregulares. Las ratas se habían retirado a sus agujeros; no se veía ni una. Pero el rostro flaco y desgalichado de Masson reflejaba una sombra de inquietud. Había terminado de descubrir la tapa de un ataúd de madera. Hacía varios días que lo habían enterrado, pero Masson no se había atrevido a desenterrarlo antes. Los parientes del fallecido venían a menudo a visitar su tumba, aún lloviendo. Pero a estas horas de la noche, no era fácil que vinieran, por mucho dolor y pena que sintiesen. Y con este pensamiento tranquilizador, se enderezó y echó a un lado la pala.

Desde la colina donde estaba situado el cementerio, se veían parpadear débilmente las luces de Salem a través de la lluvia pertinaz. Sacó la linterna del bolsillo porque iba a necesitar luz. Apartó la pala y se inclinó a revisar los cierres de la caja.

De repente, se quedó rígido. Bajo sus pies había notado un rebullir inquieto, como si algo arañara o se revolviera dentro. Por un momento, sintió una punzada de terror supersticioso, que pronto dio paso a una rabia furiosa, al comprender el significado de aquellos ruidos. ¡Las ratas se habían adelantado otra vez! En un rapto de cólera, Masson arrancó los cierres del ataúd. Metió el canto de la pala bajo la tapa e hizo palanca, hasta que pudo levantarla con las dos manos. Luego encendió la linterna y la enfocó al interior del ataúd. La lluvia salpicaba el blanco tapizado de raso; el ataúd estaba vacío. Masson percibió un movimiento furtivo en la cabecera de la caja y dirigió hacia allí la luz. El extremo del sarcófago había sido horadado, y el boquete comunicaba con una galería, al parecer, pues en aquel mismo momento desaparecía por allí, a tirones, un pie fláccido enfundado en su correspondiente zapato. Masson comprendió que las ratas se le habían adelantado, esta vez, sólo unos instantes. Se dejó caer a gatas y agarró el zapato con todas sus fuerzas. Se le cayó la linterna dentro del ataúd y se apagó de golpe. De un tirón, el zapato le fue arrancado de las manos en medio de una algarabía de chillidos agudos y excitados. Un momento después, había recuperado la linterna y la enfocaba por el agujero.

Era enorme. Tenía que serlo; de lo contrario, no habrían podido arrastrar el cadáver a través de él. Masson intentó imaginarse el tamaño de aquellas ratas capaces de tirar del cuerpo de un hombre. De todos modos, él llevaba su revólver cargado en el bolsillo, y esto le tranquilizaba. De haberse tratado del cadáver una persona ordinaria, Masson habría abandonado su presa a las ratas, antes de aventurarse por aquella estrecha madriguera; pero recordó los gemelos de sus puños y el alfiler de su corbata, cuya perla debía ser indudablemente auténtica, y, sin pensarlo más, se prendió la linterna al cinturón y se metió por el boquete. El acceso era angosto. Delante de él, a al luz de la linterna, podía ver como las suelas de los zapatos seguían siendo arrastradas hacia el fondo del túnel de tierra. También el trató de arrastrase lo más rápidamente posible, pero había momentos en que apenas era capaz de avanzar, aprisionado entre aquellas estrechas paredes de tierra.

El aire se hacía irrespirable por el hedor de la carroña. Masson decidió que, si no alcanzaba el cadáver en un minuto, volvería para atrás. Los temores supersticiosos empezaban a agitarse en su imaginación, aunque la codicia le instaba a proseguir. Siguió adelante, y cruzó varias bocas de túneles adyacentes. Las paredes de la madriguera estaban húmedas y pegajosas. Por dos veces oyó a sus espaldas pequeños desprendimientos de tierra. El segundo de éstos le hizo volver la cabeza. No vio nada, naturalmente, hasta que enfocó la linterna en esa dirección.

Entonces vio varios montones de barro que casi obstruían la galería que acababa de recorrer. El peligro de su situación se le apareció de pronto en toda su espantosa realidad. El corazón le latía con fuerza sólo de pensar en la posibilidad de un hundimiento. Decidió abandonar su persecución, a pesar de que casi había alcanzado el cadáver y las criaturas invisibles que lo arrastraban. Pero había algo más, en lo que tampoco había pensado: el túnel era demasiado estrecho para dar la vuelta. El pánico se apoderó de él, por un segundo, pero recordó la boca lateral que acababa de pasar, y retrocedió dificultosamente hasta que llegó a ella. Introdujo allí las piernas, hasta que pudo dar la vuelta. Luego, comenzó a avanzar precipitadamente hacia la salida, pese al dolor de sus rodillas magulladas.

De súbito, una punzada le traspasó la pierna. Sintió que unos dientes afilados se le hundían en la carne, y pateó frenéticamente para librarse de sus agresores. Oyó un chillido penetrante, y el rumor presuroso de una multitud de patas que se escabullían. Al enfocar la linterna hacia atrás, dejó escapar un gemido de horror: una docena de enormes ratas le miraban atentamente, y sus ojillos malignos brillaban bajo la luz. Eran unos bichos deformes, grandes como gatos. Tras ellos vislumbró una forma negruzca que desapareció en la oscuridad. Se estremeció ante las increíbles proporciones de aquella sombra apenas vista.

La luz contuvo a las ratas durante un momento, pero no tardaron en volver a acercarse furtivamente. Al resplandor de la linterna, sus dientes parecían teñidos de un naranja oscuro. Masson forcejeó con su pistola, consiguió sacarla de su bolsillo y apuntó cuidadosamente. Estaba en una posición difícil. Procuró pegar los pies a las mojadas paredes de la madriguera para no herirse. El estruendo del disparo le dejó sordo durante unos instantes. Después, una vez disipado el humo, vio que las ratas habían desaparecido. Se guardó la pistola y comenzó a reptar velozmente a lo largo del túnel. Pero no tardó en oír de nuevo las carreras de las ratas, que se le echaron encima otra vez. Se le amontonaron sobre las piernas, mordiéndole y chillando de manera enloquecedora. Masson empezó a gritar mientras echaba mano a la pistola. Disparó sin apuntar, de suerte que no se hirió de milagro. Esta vez las ratas no se alejaron demasiado. No obstante, Masson aprovechó la tregua para reptar lo más deprisa que pudo, dispuesto a hacer fuego a la primera señal de un nuevo ataque. Oyó movimientos de patas y alumbró hacia atrás con la linterna. Una enorme rata gris se paró en seco y se quedó mirándole, sacudiendo sus largos bigotes y moviendo de un lado a otro, muy despacio, su cola áspera y pelada. Masson disparó y la rata echó a correr.

Continuó arrastrándose. Se había detenido un momento a descansar, junto a la negra abertura de un túnel lateral, cuando descubrió un bulto informe sobre la tierra mojada, un poco más adelante. De momento, lo tomó como un montón de tierra desprendido del techo; luego vio que era un cuerpo humano. Se trataba de una momia negruzca y arrugada, y Masson se dio cuenta, preso de un pánico sin límites, de que se movía.

Aquella cosa monstruosa avanzaba hacia él y, a la luz de la linterna, vio su rostro horrible a muy poca distancia del suyo. Era una calavera casi descarnada, la faz de un cadáver que ya llevaba años enterrado, pero animada de una vida infernal. Tenía unos ojos vidriosos, hinchados y saltones, que delataban su ceguera, y, al avanzar contra Masson, lanzó un gemido plañidero y entreabrió sus labios pustulosos, desgarrados en una mueca de hambre espantosa. Masson sintió que se le helaba la sangre. Cuando aquel Horror estaba ya a punto de rozarle. Masson se precipitó frenéticamente por la abertura lateral. Oyó arañar en la tierra, justo a sus pies, y el confuso gruñido de la criatura que la seguía de cerca. Masson miró por encima del hombro, gritó y trató de avanzar desesperadamente por la estrecha galería. Reptaba con torpeza; las piedras afiladas le herían las manos y las rodillas. El barro le salpicaba en los ojos, pero no se atrevió a detenerse ni un segundo. Continuó avanzando a gatas, jadeando, rezando y maldiciendo histéricamente.

Con chillidos triunfales, las ratas se precipitaron de nuevo sobre él con una horrible voracidad pintada en sus ojillos. Masson estuvo a punto de sucumbir bajo sus dientes, pero logró desembarcarse ellas: el pasadizo se estrechaba y, sobrecogido por el pánico, pataleó, gritó y disparó hasta que el gatillo pegó sobre una cápsula vacía. Pero había rechazado las ratas. Observó entonces que se hallaba bajo una piedra grande, encajada en la parte superior de la galería, que le oprimía cruelmente la espalda. Al tratar de avanzar notó que la piedra se movía, y se le ocurrió una idea: ¡Si pudiera dejarla caer, de forma que obstruyese el túnel!

La tierra estaba empapada por el agua de la lluvia. Se enderezó y se puso a quitar el barro que sujetaba la piedra. Las ratas se aproximaban. Veía brillar sus ojos al resplandor de la linterna. Siguió cavando, frenético, en la tierra. La piedra cedía. Tiró de ella y la movió de sus cimientos. Se acercaban la ratas... Era el ejemplar que había visto antes. Gris, leprosa, repugnante, avanzaba enseñando sus dientes anaranjados. Masson dio un último tirón de la piedra y la sintió resbalar hacia abajo. Entonces reanudó su camino a rastras por el túnel. La piedra se derrumbó tras él, y oyó un repentino alarido de agonía. Sobre sus piernas se desplomaron algunos terrones mojados. Más adelante, le atrapó los pies un desprendimiento considerable, del que logró desembarazarse con dificultad. ¡El túnel entero se estaba desmoronando!

Jadeando de terror, Masson se desmoronaba mientras la tierra se desprendía tras él. El túnel seguía estrechándose, hasta que llegó un momento en que apenas pudo hacer uso de sus manos y sus piernas para avanzar. Se retorció como una anguila hasta que, de pronto, notó un jirón de raso bajo sus dedos crispados; y luego su cabeza chocó contra algo que le impedía continuar. Movió las piernas y pudo comprobar que no las tenía apresadas por la tierra desprendida. Estaba boca abajo. Al tratar de incorporarse, se encontró con que el techo del túnel estaba a escasos centímetros de su espalda. El terror lo descompuso.

Al salirle al paso aquel ser espantoso y ciego, se había desviado por un túnel lateral, por un túnel que no tenía salida. ¡Se encontraba en un ataúd vacío, al que había entrado por el agujero que las ratas habían practicado en su extremo! Intentó ponerse boca arriba, pero no pudo. La tapa del ataúd le mantenía inexorablemente inmóvil. Tomó aliento entonces, e hizo fuerza contra la tapa. Era inamovible, y aun si lograse escapar del sarcófago, ¿cómo podría excavar una salida a través del metro y medio de tierra que tenía encima?

Respiraba con dificultad. Hacía un calor sofocante y el hedor era irresistible. Era un paroxismo de terror, desgarró y arañó el forro acolchado hasta destrozarlo. Hizo un inútil intento por cavar con los pies en la tierra desprendida que le impedía la retirada. Si lograse solamente cambiar de postura, podría excavar con la uñas una salida hacia el aire... hacia el aire...

Una agonía candente penetró en su pecho; el pulso le dolía en los globos de los ojos. Parecía como si la cabeza se le fuera hinchando, a punto de estallar. Y de súbito, oyó los triunfales chillidos de las ratas. Comenzó a gritar, enloquecido, pero no pudo rechazarlas esta vez. Durante un momento, se revolvió histéricamente en su estrecha prisión, y luego se calmó, boqueando por falta de aire. Cerró lo ojos, sacó su lengua ennegrecida y se hundió en la negrura de la muerte, con los locos chillidos de las ratas taladrándole los oídos.

FIN


BAD MOON (1996)

Thor the German Shepherd: this is the face of a true-blue hero.

AS the TWILIGHT juggernaut rolls on and perpetuates the whole pussified vampires thing, I once more take solace in the werewolf movie genre and recently got my hands on a copy of BAD MOON, a flick I'd heard of but ignored for a number of reasons. One of those reasons was its rep as yet another of the many low-budget throwaways in the genre, and if there's one thing I should have learned by now it's that you cannot judge a horror movie's quality by it budget or relative lack thereof. The original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD cost about fifteen bucks to make even almost forty years ago, and it's a classic. Same for the original THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Though not quite within the realm of those exalted landmarks, BAD MOON is a minor gem that does something different with the hoary conventions of the cinematic werewolf yarn.

The film is based on the 1992 novel THOR, by Wayne Smith, a story told from the point of view of the titular faithful German Shepherd who lives with a family of humans that he understandably considers his "pack." In the hierarchy of the pack Thor functions as the very capable protector, and his natural abilities are put to the test when a relative, Uncle Ted, comes to visit the family and only Thor, thanks to his animal senses and intuition, realizes that the guy is a werewolf. I have not yet read the book (I ordered it from Amazon and will review it once I've finished with it), but the movie apparently follows the book's plot basics, only losing the family's husband/dad and two of the kids, leaving Thor to look out for a single mother (Mariel Hemingway), and her young son (Mason Gamble, the kid from the horrid DENNIS THE MENACE movie). Thor proves his worth as a guardian early on, when a con man tries to fleece money out of the mother by provoking Thor to attack him, unaware that the woman is a lawyer who has prosecuted dozens of would-be hustlers just like him, and from that incident onward the audience knows to trust Thor's instincts.

After an expedition to a foreign land where his colleague/girlfriend is savagely killed by a werewolf and he himself is stricken with the curse of lycanthropy while trying to save her, Uncle Ted (Michael Paré) returns to the States and embarks on a quest to find a cure for what has befallen him. Unfortunately, all avenues prove a dead end and Ted moves into a trailer somewhere in the deep backwoods of the Northwest, where his homicidal lunar activities will stand less of a chance of getting out of hand (a plan that doesn't work because his transformations are nightly and he's wracked up a body count of five before the plot even really gets rolling). When he invites his sister and nephew up to visit (with Thor along for the ride), Ted gets it into his head that the company of his family may be just the thing that will curb his rapacious supernatural urges. It is during this daytime visit that Thor is allowed to sniff about freely in the woods, where he picks up strange scents and the remains of a forest surveyor, a trail that leads right back to Uncle Ted. Thor may not be able to articulate what he senses, but he knows Uncle Ted is something very, very dangerous, and from that moment on he holds the man under very close scrutiny.

Creepy Uncle Ted, now a werewolf and safely ensconced within the bosom of his family...

...which puts him within Thor's territory of guardianship, and Thor knows EXACTLY what's up. And he doesn't like it one bit.

Following his latest murder and with the police investigating literally right outside his trailer door, Ted calls his sister and asks if he can stay with her for a while. Once he parks his trailer outside the family home, Thor immediately sets up a vigil to keep an eye on the lupine visitor. Ted, very much aware that Thor has his number, creepily tries to insinuate himself into a position of power within the pack while going out nightly to chain himself to a tree as his transformed self rages without causing harm to anyone.

Uncle Ted, all wolfed-out.

Thor witnesses the chained werewolf and has his worst fears realized, returning to the house and pissing on Uncle Ted's camper as a territorial warning. From that moment, you had better believe it's on, and in no time Thor's seemingly vicious and totally mis-interpreted aggression toward Ted lands him in the pound, leaving his pack very much in harm's way. But never underestimate the power of a boy's love for his dog, or the dog's love of his humans...

The film's low budget is certainly evident, but the story more than makes up for any deficiencies in the department of production values. The movie even has a werewolf that's much better than expected, although the transformation sequence is somewhat-justly maligned. Though low on gore (at least by my standards), the film is a lot of fun thanks to its unusual protagonist and if you're a dog-lover like me, you will root for Thor like you haven't rooted for a hero since Indiana Jones went after the Ark of the Covenant. Played by a pooch named Primo, Thor is a canine hero to be reckoned with and he even takes on the werewolf — a goddamned WEREWOLF!!! — twice, in what can only be called savage, animalistic combat. When stacked up against Thor, Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and Benji are a bunch of pussies and they can each suck it.

If not for a wholly unnecessary sex scene at the film's very beginning, I would recommend this as suitable for all ages, provided the kiddies can take scares that are mild by adult standards. This really is the heroic dog story taken in a different direction and as such it has the potential for great cross-audience appeal. BAD MOON awaits re-discovery and I suggest that you give it a chance. RECOMMENDED.

Cover art for the DVD release.

UM...NO.

According to several news sources, including COMIC BOOK RESOURCES, this is Jim Lee's re-design for Wonder Woman, as per the revamp planned by new helmer of the monthly book J.M. Straczinski, and it will be seen as of the release of today's WONDER WOMAN #600. Not only is the Amazing Amazon getting a makeover, her origin and history is being re-written as "the gods change the timeline," eliminating her Greek influences and essentially robbing the character of the things make make her of interest (providing she's written well, which is almost never, to tell the truth). I am not down with this, but I will read it before passing full judgment, yet how can this possibly be any good? Darwyn Cooke, where are you when Diana so obviously needs you again?

Wonder Woman, looking not unlike some of the chicks who hang out around Brooklyn's Fulton Mall or Greenwood heights. No, that is not a compliment.

Nobody's Perfect - Soukichi Narumi Download



Download link for Soukichi Narumi`s single, Nobody`s Perfect!

Nobody's Perfect - Soukichi Narumi [SINGLE]
3 Music Files + 3 Cover Images
Size: 29 MB (RAR) | 32 MB (Extracted)


Thanks to Ryulong for the upload and JEFusion for sharing! ^w^

Pokemon Black and White Trailer



New trailer for Pokemon Black and White, the 5th Generation Pokemon games! You can watch the trailer using the player below:



Video via JEFusion

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

THE WEIRD SHIT YOU FIND

THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959): a sci-fi film that would unexpectedly be tied in to my library of books on human sexuality.

While continuing my ongoing mission to purge the tiny and over-crowded studio that I live in of sometimes superfluous stuff I've accumulated over the thirteen years that I've lived here, some of which I dragged from previous places I've resided in since 1990, I unearthed this little red tome that I had completely forgotten about.

I have no recollection of where I got it from (most likely during my "lost" years) but I will always read a sex book penned by a woman because they obviously possess the equipment that I like to fiddle about with and make feel good, so who better to write a book on the subject? The thing that makes this particular little tome worth owning to a geek like me is that it was penned in 1982 by one Naura Hayden, formerly known as "Nora," who was the female lead in Ib Melchior's pre-psychedelic-yet-psychedelic-anyway THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959), a film fondly remembered for a number of reasons, but most notably for its fucking bizarre bat/rat/spider/crab alien, a textbook example of how to do an awesome special effect with a budget that normally wouldn't buy you a sandwich at the Carnegie Deli.

Seriously, that fucking thing is downright Lovecraftian!

Hayden played Dr. Iris "Irish" Ryan, a cute redheaded scientist of the type found in sci-fi flicks from the pre-liberation age, and god, how I loved those gals. Smarter than all of the men who surrounded them, yet constantly having to prove their worth until the men got over themselves and realized that egghead chicks have it goin' on, especially when sussing out how to deal with that particular movie's non-human menace (for the quintessential example of this archetype, look no further than Dr. Patricia "Pat" Medford in 1954's classic THEM!, the Ground Zero of the 1950's giant critter wave, as played so unforgettably by Joan Weldon). Nonetheless, Dr. Ryan was mostly along on the trip to Mars so there could be a female to scream when the assorted threats showed up,

but I liked her better when she was seen as a competent member of the expedition (see below).

But I digress.

So the sex manual in question is not only of interest because it was written by a Fifties space-heroine, it's also a very human examination of everyday lovemaking and keeping your lady happy with foreplay, something that several of my ex-girlfriends have said lacked in previous relationships (do NOT get me started on the excellence and importance of foreplay or we'll be here all day). It's definitely geared mostly toward guys who have no clue as to what to do, so it's a worthwhile volume that is unfortunately most likely doomed to remain in obscurity.

The book's back cover.

While I've gotten rid of many other oddball items during this purge (which has been ongoing in earnest since early March), but this forgotten gem stays.

OLLIVER'S EARLY REVIEW FOR THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (2010)

Here's a review by my pal and recent high school graduate Olliver, which he kindly provided because I refuse to see this film, even though it has werewolves in it. Plus, let's face it: I'm not a tweener girl, the film's target audience.
-Yer Bunche


This is a 30-minute movie review (I did everything in just 30 minutes).

After the success of Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, you would have to be extremely stupid if you didn't see this movie coming. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse provides more of the same from the last two movies, namely one-dimensional characters for tweener girls (and overage shut-ins with nothing better to do) to ogle over. Do you remember in high school how all the hot girls would only go out with the biggest tools they can find? Well, that's this movie. Twilight is THAT movie. We have "sensitive" vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), the amazingly bad actor with skills that bring to mind those of a dead fish, Bella (Kristen Stewart), who the movie obviously wants us to compare to a beaver since 60% of the movie is just a close up on her giant teeth, and Jacob (Taylor Lautner), the Indian werewolf hunk who is only there to sell tickets and can't seem to afford a shirt.

This is the best way I can think of to sum up this movie.

So Bella now has to decide who to go out with. If I was a girl, my choice would be obvious, but no... This is a Mary Sue story, so "everybody loves her and she has absolutely no real problems." (I wonder if the next movie is going to have an hour of Bella picking what shoes to wear for the day?) Have you ever heard some spoiled asshat complain about how their life is "soooo hard" and then they mention it's hard because they have to "take out the garbage" or something trivial like that? Well, say hello to the target demographic because that's Bella and those who fantasize about being her.

Meanwhile we are introduced to some real vampires. These guys kill for blood and are "real" to such to such a degree that they could have just walked off the set of Blade and make the Cullen family look like a bunch of whiny little bitches (though the Cullens actually do a good job of conveying that by themselves). So these vampires are ruling Seattle, eating all the people they can and there's nothing to stop them... until they decide to stop and, for no reason whatsoever, go after Bella. The whole world revolves around her. In the Twilight series she's more important then the Pope. Mary Sue literature at its best, folks.

"Forget about all that genocide and stuff, this single dull girl is more important than the horrible history of acts you committed against my family."

So the two clans decide, "Hey, let's not fight each other anymore. We need to work together to make sure that these new vampires don't kill this single teenage girl, even though the real vampires probably killed 40 girls by now in Seattle, but WHO CARES? Bella is more important, you know that!!! You can go killing all you want, but don't mess with this one girl." It's not like she has a secret or something so they have a reason to kill her. If Bella would die, nothing would be affected by her death. Both Edward and Jacob would go on living their lives like nothing happened and the world will still revolve with one less stuck up girl in it. So anyway, the two clans put aside all their differences and thousands of years of bloodshed for this one girl. BECAUSE SHE IS SOOOOO SPECIAL. This is the same as if the KKK and the Black Panthers teamed up... for a girl. Retardedness... Sheer retardedness...

One thing I hate is how we have Stephanie Meyer's (the shit-tastic author of this snooze fest) Mormon beliefs thrust upon us. It's hard to believe that these immortal monsters would care about the sanctity of marriage. Bela Lugosi wouldn't have made a purity pledge! Jacob talks about how it's fine to "love two people at the same time" and how he's "seen it before" and Edward... oh god, this one's gonna need it's own picture.

"Will you be my wife for the next 3 decades till you die and I find another?"

So Edward proposes to Bella for her hand in marriage (blegh) and she accepts even though she doesn't want to accept because she still has feelings for Jacob. Boo-freakin'-hoo. So we have a scene where Edward (keep in mind that he's a vampire) is sitting in the middle of a FIELD OF FLOWERS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT TALKING ABOUT WEDDING PLANS!!!! He tells her how important virginity is and how it.... Wait a second; a 200-year-old vampire is a virgin? What the fuck? So you're stuck as a 19-year-old for 200 years and can do all these flips and have super strength...and you can't get any poon? Either he is the most pathetic vampire ever or he's playing her for a dumbass . I hope it's the latter but wouldn't be surprised if it were the first. There you go, another example of Mary Sue literature; he waits 200 years 'til she comes along to have sex, BECAUSE SHE'S SOOO PERFECT. How can a vampire believe in virginity? Vampires are beings of pure sexuality. Then we have Edward. The sun doesn't hurt him, he doesn't turn into a bat, he doesn't drink blood, he's made out of crystals, he's a vegetarian and believes in virginity.... WHAT MAKES HIM A VAMPIRE?!?! He doesn't have a SINGLE vampire quality. My fish drawings are waaaaay more accurate than drawing him as a vampire. This, my friends, is why Mormon women should not be allowed to write books.

Of course, don't say that while watching the movie or you'll face a similar result (see above) from hardcore "Twilitards."

The movie consists 90% of just close-ups. Damned near everything is a close-up. The talking is zoomed all the way in, the makeout scene is zoomed all the way in... The only time to movie ever zooms out is to show the Indian kid's chest. I got that the vampires are pale, it's okay, but I didn't need to stare at his pale-as-a-corpse's-ass face for 2 solid hours. It jumped around more than Manos: Hands of Fate. I started getting motion sickness from it. It felt more like I was watching The Blair Witch Project than a vampire movie... Actually, it felt more like ANYTHING but a vampire movie.

HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY, RAY HARRYHAUSEN!!!

Mere words are inadequate to express my love, respect and admiration for the work of this one-of-a-kind imagineer. He brought the impossible to life without the benefit of CGI, and much of his work, even though some of it goes back five decades, looks better than state of the art effects. So hail to the stop-motion wizard behind Medusa, the cyclops, the Hydra, Kali, the Ymir and those badassed word-fighting skeletons. Mr. Harryhausen, my world would have been immeasurably empty without you, and for being there I give you my most deeply-felt thanks.

Monday, June 28, 2010

THE HORSEMAN (2008)

Here's a quick question: say you're a dad who's out to annihilate the human filth who dosed your daughter with heroin, videotaped her drugged-up and incoherent self being gang-banged by multiple creeps for commercial sale and then dumped her used-up body, and you have one of the offending scum tied nude to a chair with no possibility of him getting away. You need to know where the rest of her rapist/murderers are and he has that information. His genitals are right there, hanging like an uncooked piece of pork, and you have on hand an assortment of deep sea fishing hooks. What would you do?

Writer/producer/director Steven Kastrissios' THE HORSEMAN (as in "of the Apocalypse;" I'm guessing, because the title is not explained in the film) is a welcome and extremely savage throwback to the old school revenge exploitation genre, similar in some respects to TAKEN (also from 2008), only minus the utterly implacable martial skills of Liam Neeson's secret agent or whatever the hell he was, but with elements of the currently popular "torture porn" genre (best exemplified by HOSTEL) thrown in for sadistic measure.

The protagonist of THE HORSEMAN is a grief-and-vengeance-driven father named Christian (Peter Marshall) who works as a pest control professional and quite literally embarks on a mission to take out the two-legged, sentient vermin who did serious wrong to his daughter, a situation he's made aware of when the cops find her body, which contained heroin in her system, along with amounts of semen. As if that information were not enough to send any parent into a state akin to that of a Fury straight out of Greek mythology, Christian receives an anonymous package containing a copy of "Young City Sluts 2," the porno that graphically depicts what happened to his kid, and it is that piece in the puzzle that sends him down a trail of ultra-brutal retribution as he kills his way down the line of distributors, producer, director, actors and anyone else associated with his daughter's sleazy and degrading death. As Christian travels the desolate highways of Queensland in search of his prey, he encounters a young runaway named Alice (Caroline Marohasy) who has troubles of her own, and the two form a charming bond along the way. But that ray of sunshine in their lives is overshadowed by Christian's horrific quest, so no matter how it all turns out, you just know it ain't gonna be pretty for anyone involved.

Every aspect of the film is the best that it can be and I've always felt the Australians have a knack for making exceptional exploitation films — MAD MAX, anyone? — and THE HORSEMAN totally delivers on its very visceral promises. The fights are very realistic, giving us an ordinary man pushed past the brink of savagery who possesses no action movie-style highly-trained fighting abilities but wields a knife, a crowbar and a utility hammer with shattering efficacy, and the flick's violence is definitely not for those who can't take such material depicted with unflinching nastiness. And, as previously mentioned, the film contains several scenes of excruciating torture and sadism that even made me utter assorted exclamations when the going got rough (and, BOY, does it get rough), so proceed with caution if you plan on watching this with friends or family who are not hardened to the excesses of exploitation cinema.

But while THE HORSEMAN has much to offer and is very entertaining, it kind of runs out of steam during its last third and degenerates into repetitiveness as it makes its way to its inevitable climax. The film's structure basically follows Christian's path of vengeance and can more or less be summed up as "Christian finds scumbag, beats the shit out of the guy, tortures him for information and then kills him before continuing on to the next scumbag," and while it's an entertaining ride, it becomes a catalog of predictability (with a few exceptions) that prevents the film from being a classic. That's a frustrating aspect when one considers how strong the narrative is when coming out of the gate and maintaining serious momentum before the final third's coasting (which is not to say that the final act does not contain brutal graphic violence).

But, all quibbles aside, THE HORSEMAN is definitely with your time, especially if you're looking for the polar opposite of the largely toothless fare that continues to crawl across the world's movie screens. RECOMMENDED.

Cover art for the American DVD release.

Monty Python: El chiste más gracioso del mundo

A los ingleses no le dieron el tanto ante Alemania y quedaron afuera del mundial. Pero eso no les preocupa en absoluto. ¡Si con los Monty Python metieron el mejor gol de toda su historia!

El siguiente es uno de sus mejores sketchs, emitido el 5 de octubre de 1969, en el primer programa de Flying Circus titulado Whither Canada?.


Ultraman Zero THE MOVIE: Choukessen! Belial Ginga Teikoku



A new Ultraman film has been announced! Woooot!! The new film is titled Ultraman Zero THE MOVIE: Choukessen! Belial Ginga Teikoku. This film will be focusing on Ultraman Zero as the central character.

Zero is the son of Ultra Seven. Zero debuted in last year's Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legends. The plot for this movie is still unclear but it is believed that Ultraman Belial, one of the fiercest Dark Ultra, will take his revenge to the Ultras because of his defeat in the previous movie, Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legends.



It has also be confirmed that Koyanagi Yu(Pictured above) will be playing the role of Ultraman Zero's human host, Ran. He will be using the Zero Eye to transform into Ultraman Zero and fight along side of the other Ultramen.

The settings should be on Earth since the human host of Ultraman Zero is revealed.

Check out the official site here.

Ultraman Zero THE MOVIE: Choukessen! Belial Ginga Teikoku`s PV:


Filming starts next month under director Yuichi Abe. Theatrical release has been scheduled for December 23, 2010.

Source: Tokyograph, JEFusion

REMINISCENCES OF THE DECEASED ARTISTIC GENIUS

Sunday, June 27, 2010

SEVENTEEN YEARS GONE

The grave of GG Allin: more pilgrimage-worthy than Mecca?

Today is the seventeenth anniversary of the loss of one of our fair nation's great troubadours and social commentators. Yes, it seems like only yesterday when GG Allin — born Jesus Christ Allin, later changed to Kevin by his mother — was unceremoniously plucked from this mortal coil to lend his singular musical stylings to the Choir Invisible, although I doubt he was granted admission through the Pearly Gates thanks to certain aspects of his general philosophy and behavior. Nonetheless, we are without his dulcet tones and lyrics that would have made Harold Arlen tear out hunks of his hair in a fit of raw jealousy. Never again shall we experience such rich and deeply moving works of the musical arts as "Expose Yourself to Kids," "I Wanna Piss on You" and of course the timeless and beatific song to Ethiopia, "Kill the Children, Save the Food." Such odes as "Fucking the Dog," "Abuse Myself I Wanna Die," "Bloody Mary's Bloody Cunt" and the cautionary "Needle Up My Cock" are now left as fodder for cover artists and would-be suburban iconoclasts, never more to be shouted to the heavens by the man who exposed his soul (and other things) through his body of work.

So rest well, o contentious GG. Your loss is mourned and may you have found a place in Valhalla where your philosophy of "drink, fight and fuck" would most certainly be embraced.

The corpse of Jesus Christ "GG" Allin, thoughtfully defaced by family, friends and fans.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

"45" by Elvis Costello

Ar 2:08AM on this date forty-five years ago, I entered the world, and there os no one I would rather have perform an ode to my age and the now-dead 45rpm vinyl single than the great Declan Patrick McManus, aka Elvis Costello. So I give you (and myself) "45." Enjoy.

-Yer Bunche (still out partying when this posts)

Capitán EO (Captain EO, 1986)

A un año de la muerte de Michael Jackson, este es el tributo de neuronamuerta. Podrá gustarles o no la personalidad del ex-morocho, incluso su música, pero hay que reconocerle que fue un tipo de enorme talento, y esas cosas deben aplaudirse.

Y para recordarlo les dejo este corto muy poco conocido y que, a pesar de lo tonto de su planteo, está lleno de curiosidades que lo hacen único. Para empezar, muestra a un Michael en lo mejor de su carrera. Fue encargado por Disney para ser proyectado en el Epcot Center, el parque temático ultra tecnológico de la empresa, y en 3D (con los viejos anteojos rojos y azules). Spielberg, por problemas creativos (aunque otros dicen que por exceso de trabajo), abandonó la dirección del proyecto, que terminó en manos de Francis Ford Coppola. Contó con el trabajo de Rick Baker (el genio del maquillaje de títulos como It`s Alive, Videodrome, An American Werewolf in London, Gorillas in the Mist, Planet of the Apes, y Hellboy entre otras), y la producción de George Lucas (las influencias de Star Wars, como verán, son notables). Finalmente, y en el papel de mala, tenemos a la reconocida actriz Anjelica Huston.

Se proyectó en Disneyland hasta el año 1997, aunque se reestrenó en febrero de 2010 como tributo a Jackson tras su muerte. Para la película se utilizaron las canciones "Another part of me" (luego incluido en el álbum Bad) y "We are here to change the world", creada expresamente para el corto.



Primera parte


Segunda parte


Y de regalo, el detrás de escena.

Parte 1

Parte 2

Parte 3


Y si alguien conserva los viejos anteojos de colores, acá van los enlaces para que disfruten de Captain EO en 3D. Yo aún no lo probé, así que esperos sus comentarios.

Parte 1
Parte 2

FIRST BIRTHDAY GOODIE

Sing along, dear Vaulties: "Maybe I know that he's been cheatin', maybe I know that he's been untrue..."

This just arrived in the mail and yes, it's an actual autographed photo of Lesley Gore as Pussycat, Catwoman's hench-girl who seduced the Boy Wonder and turned him evil. For me, an early lesson in the power of pussy. Thanks, Norman!

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 27

And we close the dance party with this indelible masterpiece.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 26

Blowfly, blaxploitation and guest appearances from Dolemite and Jim Kelly. If only my real birthday party were like that!

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 25

An unjustly forgotten and totally badassed classic by the all-female Fanny.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 25

Run-DMC's crowning moment of utter glory. Sing along, dear Vaulties: "Dick in your mouth all day!!!"

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 24

Fuck "The Star Spangled Banner;" this should be our national anthem!

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 23

The best Elvis cover ever.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 22

What's a birthday party without Wendy O. Williams and The Plasmatics?

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 21

A forgotten gem from L.A.'s Legal Weapon.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 20

The best song ever about a serial rapist. What, you didn't know what it was about? Well, when a song rocks this hard, you can be forgiven for not noticing the lyrics.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 19

The only song in history to make mention of a "muthafuckinsuckadickaniggalog," whatever that may be.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 18

Witness the unintentional invention of "New Wave" over a decade before it actually happened.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 17

This one has been my theme song more times than I care to admit, but truth must be addressed.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 16

I dare any white girl to even think of performing this one nowadays. Bravo, Patti!

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 15

Who says there was no romance in classic punk?

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 14

Magic" by Pilot. A favorite during my awful formative years, this song will always remind me of the few pleasant moments during a radio era dominated by utter pap and the nascent stirrings of disco.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 13

This one's for fellow metalheads only. This is the track that immediately turned me into a Mercyful Fate fan and led me to listen to this album around three times a day for the following three months (for real), thus insuring that my soul is damned for all eternity. The live videos I found for this suffer from lousy sound quality, so why argue with the perfection that is the studio version?

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 12

Truth told via satire.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 11

Another song that ruined me for life, this one first encountered on an extremely drunken night during a Manhattan loft party when I was fifteen. I don't speak the language, but I've listened to this so many times over the past three decades that I can sing the entire thing in German. Miss Nina Hagen, I love your Teutonic ass and hope you never, ever change.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 10

A great virtually unknown Blondie tune from "Eat to the Beat" (1979). Why this was never released as a single is beyond my powers of comprehension.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 10

The song that made me love the B-52's, and still my favorite of their catalog.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 9

The all-time classic of the "ereki" genre.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 8

"Oooooh, oooh, everybody knows!" The only thing that sucks about this is that when the American release of the lone Plastics album happened, the version of "Top Secret Man" heard here was not the one found on the album and the album version, while okay, is nowhere near as good.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 7

"My little Angelfuck, I see ya goin' down on a firepluuuug..."

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 6

"I've suffered for my music, and now it's your turn."

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 5

The opening lyrics sum this one up:

There is unemployment, misery, despair
Really wanna lose my job, I'm going to the fair
Life is getting rough, oh yes I know
'Scuse me, but I've got to go
There is a man in Germany
He can send a tool
Wunderbar!

No, I don't have a fucking clue as to what any of that means either.

Oh, and best dancing ever!

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 4

One of my personal anthems since 1982. The album version is much better.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 3

For those of you who have yet to see them live.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 2

A classic that ruined me for life some thirty-two years ago.

MY BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY-Part 1

Dear Vaulties-

Since the majority of you don't live anywhere nearby and thus won't be able to make it to tonight's birthday shindig at a celebrated Brooklyn dive, here's the first of a few of my favorite songs that I wish were on the bar's jukebox. Wish you were here!

Friday, June 25, 2010

FIVE YEARS TO FIFTY

Yours truly, approximately seven months old, 1966, before I was ruined by potables, pussy, and pot.

In one day it will be June 27th, 2010, and on that day I will be forty-five, just five years shy of being half a century old. It's almost impossible for me to contemplate, but this coming September will mark the thirtieth anniversary of me starting high school (back in those days, my high school only went from grades 10 through 12). That was the same year that saw the release of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and Devo's crossing into mainstream pop culture history with their breakthrough hit "Whipit," which is in many ways to me the anthem for the start of the 1980's. (NOTE: contrary to popular belief, both "Cars" and "Pop Muzik" are from 1979, so they don't count as Eighties music.) Though well-remembered, those high school days become more and more distant with each passing year and I can hardly believe that myself and my friends from those days, several of whom I remain close to, were ever that young and unformed...

Tonight I will be partying with the NYC-based friends who don't usually make it to the annual do that I share with my friend Cat, and I think the party just might be the tonic I need to raise my spirits.

Yours Truly in the present. To paraphrase Bugs Bunny: "He was somebody's baby once..."

MICHAEL JACKSON, GONE ONE YEAR

The most prescient piece of makeup artistry ever.

And Farrah Fawcett died on the same day. That's some eerie shit...

La neurona te informa: extra extra

Más imágenes de The Last Airbender. Sinceramente deseo que Shyamalan nos sorprenda como director de películas de acción.













More Info on Kamen Rider OOO!



More information on Kamen Rider OOO! It is said that this dude is going to have 27 FORMS!!! WTF!!!!!! Read on!!

It was already confirmed before that Kamen Rider OOO will be able to change into various forms to cope up on different battle situations. He will be able to change form using three color medallions that represent three different parts of his body: the head, torso and arms, and legs.

As of now, we already got more confirmation regarding the names of Kamen Rider OOO's forms. Each part represent an animal medallion which will be inserted on the OOODriver. They are:

Head Medallion: Taka (Hawk), Kuwagata (Stag) & Shishi (Lion)
Body Medallion: Washi (Eagle), Kamatari (Mantis) & Tora (Tiger)
Legs Medallion: Karas (Crow), Batta (Hopper) & Chita (Cheetah)

Kamen Rider OOO basic form will be called TaToBa Form, a combination of Taka, Tora, and Batta Medallions. Other form includes:
KuKaBa Form (full green)
ShiToChi Form (full yellow)
TaWaKa Form (full red)

There are other form combinations available for Kamen Rider OOO. According to GekiDan`s calculation OOO will have at least 27 form combinations!

Kamen Rider OOO will start airing on September 5, 2010.

Via JEFusion

Gundam 00: Awakening of the Trailblazer Poster



Above is the illustration of Gundam 00: Awakening of the Trailblazer`s poster! The poster features ten main characters as well as the new mobile suit "00 QAN[T]"(pronounced as Double Oh Quanta), and reportedly some secrets of the "biggest enemy ever" is hidden in the poster.

Mobile Suit Gundam 00: Awakening of the Trailblazer is to premiere on September 18, 2010.

Source: Gigazine

Thursday, June 24, 2010

COMING SOON!

Surprisingly, not Henry Rollins.

Needing an infusion of some of the pop culture stuff that always restores my moxie, I've begun work on a long-overdue overview of the classic TV version of HOKUTO NO KEN — aka FIST OF THE NORTH STAR — and the re-watching of the pertinent material has plastered an ear-to-ear grin across my face. It's loads of fun, but, much like its source manga, HOKUTO NO KEN is flawed in places and as a result I'll be examining its four "books" and alerting the newcomer to the "must see" segments. No lie, it just may be the single most "metal" cartoon of all time. I hope to have the first installment completed soon and with it re-start the weekly FIST OF THE NORTH STAR FRIDAY column, so stay tuned!

Oh, and don't forget: "YOU WA SHOCK!!!"

"Omae wa mo shinderu," muthafukkas!!!